So this is Retirement?

My husband took a shower and shaved this morning. Not an every day occurence since retirement. I had a doctor's appointment, so decided to actually put on make-up this morning. Not an every day occurence. (It was a new doctor.)

The appointment went faster than expected. When I got home, I suggested we go out to lunch. After he said, "Sure, where?" there was the silence as I raced through the options. We ended up going to a cafe, where we could sit outside and overlook a pond at the Westlake Inn. The idea was we'd sit outside, enjoy the spring like weather, have some good food and come back home to do more work.

It hasn't happened that way. We both have been useless this afternoon. My big accomplishment will be writing the blog.

So, maybe that's why retirement is after work...

Return to Quiet

First of all, let me say, I’ve been a reasonably functioning adult for many years. I raised two children, worked, went to school and was a contributing member of society.

So, why is that when my two grandchildren come to down, I’m barely able to function? Don’t get me wrong. I keep them fed, clothed, bathed and entertained. That’s the problem. When I was a parent 100% of the time, I didn’t feel the need or desire to entertain my children. Words like, “go watch TV,” might have been uttered from my lips. Now, as a grandparent, I am trying to come up with new and exciting things for us to do the whole time they are here. As a result, my work, and this blog all went by the wayside for a week. I’m not sorry.

They left last night and there a stillness that has nestled in the corners that I’m not yet used to. I’ll be back to normal. I miss the little voices, the smell of cleanly washed hair and the special energy that comes from having children in the house again.

Night on the Town

I went to see Ed Bagley Jr. last night. It was actually a monumental event. For twenty-five years, if I wanted to do something in the evening, I had to go alone or call a girl friend. It was the first time my husband and I did something together in the evening on a weekday. That was nice.

Ed Bagley Jr you're asking. Both my husband and I are interested in environmental issues. We are certainly not hard-core environmentalist, as I've mentioned before. The talk was sponsored by the Discovery Center which promotes the love of science.

I was a bit concerned Ed Bagley Jr had become a caricature of himself. The green geek riding along the Los Angeles roads on his bicycle oblivious to the realities of city living. I actually found him to be passionate, which I knew, incredibly informed on all aspects of the environmental world and surprisingly apolitical.

This man has been in the environmental game for a long time and has learned to handle himself deftly in a crowd. He was speaking to the choir, but I got the feeling he would have been equally adept with group of coal burning utility owners.

For example, he didn't spend a lot of time talking about the climate change. Instead, he focused on the age-old concerns of water and air pollution. Remember those.

He wasn't all doom and gloom. He stated we were making lots of headway in these areas. For example, Los Angeles has four times as many cars on the road as it did in the 1970's, but one-half the pollution. That's progress. He also discussed the rivers that have been cleaned up in the twenty-five years, without negating the work that still needs to be done.

Warren Buffet Quote

There is a new biography being released about Warren Buffet. There are numerous stories about how he has chosen not to leave his children any inheritance. This is not quite accurate. In his wife's will, the children were given $10 million dollars each and Warren gives them $1 million every five years. He is quoted as saying (I love this), "I wanted to leave my children enough money so they could do anything, but not so much as they could do nothing."

Talking of Death

I was looking for inspiration today, so I went to Boomer Chronicles and read a post about funerals-check it out.

I think we need to have more stories about death. Sometimes it’s tragic and horrible, but it’s always a part of life. We just can’t get away from it.

My dad struggled with cancer for 10 years. It was amazing, because he was able to function right up to the end. He wanted to die in his own bed, no tubes and all of that stuff.

He called my mom home from her work on Thursday. They sat peacefully on the couch all afternoon holding hands. They were sleeping is separate rooms and the next morning my mom went to check on him. This sounds gruesome, but she didn’t know if he was alive or dead.

Her worst fear was to call the EMT’s, have them come and try reviving him. So, she called the local funeral home to ask them how to tell if someone was dead. They replied with, “Hey, lady, by the time we get them, there’s no question.” Ultimately, she was able to determine that he was gone.

I was so proud. He struggled for so many years, but ultimately was able to die on his terms.

Are you Present?

This is a bit complicated, but stay with the story. I participated in “The New Earth” class with Eckhart Tolle on the Oprah Website earlier in the year. The were a number of things I took from the series. I’ve tried to incorporate one in my life, which is the concept of being present. Most us have very active minds that are either focused on the past; what happened, what didn’t happened, old wounds, what coulda’, shoulda’ been or the future; what we need to do, our dreams, how our life is going to be better when such and such happens, etc.

Tolle says that all we really have is the present and if you want joy in your life, you’re only going to find in the present moment. Actually, he is not only one to say it, but he says it in a wonderful way and has Oprah to help him.

So, I’m trying to be present. I’m one of those people with an over active mind. I gave up trying to meditate over thirty years ago. When Tolle instructed that to be present all I had to do was focus on one breath, I decided I could do that. Throughout my day, I focus on my breath and become present. This occurs about 12 times a day. So, for about 12 minutes a day, I'm absolutely present in the moment. The rest of the time my brain is going a million miles an hour, forward, backwards and to parts unknown.

The second part of the story is we have a spa in our backyard. My husband, who works the night shift, likes to come home and go into the spa. We decided a few weeks ago to shut the spa off when it’s not in use to cut back on energy usage. It takes about one hour to heat up.

All I have to do is get up in the morning and turn on the spa. Do you think I can remember to do that? I took a post it with ‘SPA’ written on it. Originally, I stuck it on the sliding glass door because I have my morning cup of coffee on the patio. That worked one day and then my mind was busy with other things, and I didn’t see the note. Next, I placed it on the Tolle book. That certainly would work, don't you think? Actually, it worked for two days and then I didn’t notice it. Now, the note is the microwave where I heat the water for coffee. I’ve succeeded two days in row. So much for the quest of being present. I’ll keep you posted.

Back from War

My son moved back home last week. He arrived in the states from Iraq in May and is now discharging from the Army. He was in the service for six and a half years.

Children moving back home is a hot topic among people nearing or in retirement. My husband and I always knew we wanted to him to move back home. It’s a tremendous transition to go from the military to being a civilian. I wanted him to know he had a soft place to land.

As we learn to live together, parents and adult child, I’ll write more.

For right now, I want to say thank you to my son who went war. I want to say thank you to all the other sons and daughters who have gone to war.

I had hoped that by this time in our evolution, humans would find a better way to resolve conflict. Maybe we never will.

Until we do, thank you to all those who do what needs to be done.

Date Revisited

Yes, we had our date on Friday night. No, I’m not going to replay the evening. Other than to say, I liked the movie Hancock. I understand why critics were less than kind. There is an interesting twist that could have been executed better, but I still was intrigued by the concept of the reluctant super hero. As always, Will Smith is a delight, even as an obnoxious drunk.

It occurred to me that I didn't explain the concept of ‘date’ in my last post. I stated my husband and I were in therapy many years ago and she suggested we go on a date at least once a month. We had gone out to dinner and movies before meeting with the therapist. In the early years of our marriage, when children were still young and money was tighter, we spent free evenings renting a movie and staying at home. Initially, the idea of a date may have been to get out of house, but as time as changed, the children left and there was a bit of spare change, going on a date was as much a mental shift as it was a specific activity.

Anyone can go grab a bite to eat. Going on a date requires taking a shower, putting on make-up, and getting dressed up a bit, even if it’s only a pair of clean shorts. The attitude and the mood shift ever so slightly. While we may still talk about work, the focus is more on the two of us than on the topic. It’s a time focused on being together for the sake of enjoying each other’s presence. Where we go and what we do, is secondary. We hold hands in the theater. I don’t know if I gaze longingly into his eyes, but the conversation is lighter. We laugh and we enjoy one another.

After twenty-nine years, six months and 12 days of marriage, that is a great thing.

P.S. Please note the 'senior' ticket. This is the first time I got the senior discount and I didn't even ask for it. How do I feel about that? Glad for discount-my how ticket prices have gone up. But, certainly not thrilled I can get a senior discount without showing my i.d.

Date Night

Many years ago, my husband and I were in therapy. I do not remember why we went into it or how long we worked with the therapist. We are still together, so, I guess that means, it was successful.

I do remember she suggested we have date nights. Wow, what an idea! We had been married for at least ten years at the time and the thought of going on a date seemed revolutionary. It was such a simple solution, but we have continued ever since. We both work many weekends and since my husband works nights, we don’t spend many evenings together.

We do try to have a date at least once a month. Tonight is date night. We actually have not had a date since we were in Texas in May. Between company and work, we couldn’t fit it in.

Sometime we wrangle over what to do and where to go. We are not terribly clever with our ideas. Dates usually involve eating out. We have our special places we frequent and every now and then, I suggest a new place to try. He agrees reluctantly.

Tonight I want to see a movie. I love to see movies in the theater and have been too busy to fit that in my schedule. We are going to see Hancock. The reviews have not been great, but I love the idea of the reluctant hero. There’s a new restaurant across the courtyard from the theater to try.

I’m excited. I have a date with my honey!

Blended Families

I went to pick my grandchildren up for a month long visit. They will be staying with their other grandparents and us this summer. What's unusual about our situation (or is it?) is my son and daughter in-law are divorced. I stay in the home of my former daughter in-law and her new husband when I stay overnight. My former daughter in-law is remarried to a wonderful man. They are all welcome in our home and we in theirs. I realize we're lucky and not everyone has this type of arrangement.

For the generation who created the Brady Bunch and the blended family, it only stands to reason, unique family situations would continue to exist for our children and grandchildren. I know one woman who drives 400 miles one way every month to see her twin grandchildren. When her son got a woman pregnant, he declared a lack of desire to be in their lives. Not so the grandmother. She is actively involved in their lives and plans to continue to be. The advice I have to offer is be very careful about getting involved in your children’s disputes. It's easy to want to pick sides. I realize every family is different, but think of the long term about you, your children and grandchildren.